Gratitude Post

I am very contemplative today over life and this wild journey that has been my own. 

I sit here in the wee hours of the morning. Darkness still kisses the sky and even the birds have not woken up to grace the world with their waking song. 

My piano music is playing peacefully in my Air Pods as to not wake the sweet Angel who is sleeping restfully on the level above. 

I sit here in awe of all that our Heavenly Father was able to do with my life. With the mess of a story that I threw down at His feet. 

I am fast approaching some big milestones in my life. Blessings that have me ruminating on the wonder that is our God. 

I am about to turn 27. Which seems so young, yet also feels so old. I honestly never thought I would make it to this age. "Live fast, die young" was an immature motto that I thought fit the tune of my life. As an adolescent I was never able to look past the darkness that I was trapped within to the light that God would be able to provide for me. 

WIFE

I am living out all of the dreams that I didn't think would ever come true. I am married to a wonderful man. One who supports me in every way possible, who believes in my dreams and helps to make them a reality. A man who is constantly striving to grow closer to our Lord, and to be a better head of our household. 

We are approaching 4 years of marriage this year, and I would say that we are finally falling into a great stride. There has been many (MANY) challenges that have come our way during our seemingly short time together (see cancer, cross country move, COVID, job loss, family death, high-risk pregnancy, career switch and becoming first time parents).

But through LOTS of reliance on the Lord and hard work within our church and recovery community, we have grown stronger and closer together during these times of adversity. I am so inspired by the man that God created for me. Just this morning he got up at 4am so that he could go to his Men's Fatherhood and Fellowship group at 5am, Now he is back home and working out in our garage gym before he starts the workday. He is an active example in my life that inspires me to do better and be better. To stop letting my circumstances pull me away from God and instead fall to my knees daily and give every worry (even the seemingly trivial ones) to my Lord. 

It's an honor to be in this marriage and grow as a wife. 

MOTHER

I also can't believe that I am actually a mom. Becoming a mom I might dare to admit was more of a dream to me than becoming a wife. Not that I didn't value having a spouse, but because I grew up in a split family that really impacted my childhood view on marriage. I did not have the healthiest example or regard for marriage. 

God really had to work on my heart in that aspect, but becoming a mother always was at the top of my list. When asked as a little girl what I wanted to be when I grew up I would excitedly respond with confidence that I wanted to be both a mom and an author. And the coolest part ever is that the dream has never changed. And that my childhood dream has become a reality. 

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I have four younger siblings and I babysat and nannied for well over a decade. I knew babies like the back of my hand, yet, I still had this fear that somehow I would be a bad mother. That I wouldn't take to it as naturally as I had always hoped. The day that I found out I was pregnant (Facetiming my sister Maryn in the bathroom waiting for the test results) was a moment filled with awe, anxiety and absolute fear. Fear that I would fail at one of the only things that I have wanted virtually since birth. 

Throughout my pregnancy, I really tried to give those fears to God, while also obsessively researching tirelessly and doing anything and everything I could to have the healthiest pregnancy and birth possible. I definitely went a little overboard, and I will create a separate post in the future detailing all my do's and don'ts to have a healthy pregnancy and natural birth. 

But after birthing Dove and taking my new little human home all wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, God showed me that each fear that I was allowing to control me was an utmost lie from the enemy. Motherhood came so naturally to me. 

Was it hard? Oh my gosh YES. But was it also the most wonderful difficult thing I had ever worked at? Yes again. 

I was created to be a mom. The love and joy that I have found in my new role is immeasurable. And I just can't believe that I am about to have a one-year-old. It is astounding to me that my little (okay almost 9-pound baby at birth) is talking, moving and grooving. She has the most precious personality and I am already learning so much from her. 

Now that she is transitioning from the baby phase to the toddler phase, a whole new level of challenges has emerged. But I have learned to welcome them in stride. I know that parenting is going to be one of the most demanding things I ever do. But I also recognize that raising God-loving children is one of the greatest honors that I can provide for my Heavenly Father. 

SOBER

Becoming a Mom has only encouraged me to work even harder at being the healthiest version of myself that I can be. And with that, I am excitedly about to be celebrating my 5-year sobriety anniversary. 

5 years ago I made the life-changing decision to cut out alcohol completely. I had been trying to stay firm in that decision for at least a year prior, but I kept failing and returning to my personal form of kryptonite...alcohol. Finally, I stopped trying to white knuckle the problem through my own devices (AKA counseling and AA). 

5 years ago I laid this problem at the Lord's feet. I admitted to Him that I couldn't control this issue any longer and asked Him to take control. I submitted all of myself to the Lord and begged Him to care for me. 

And care for me, He did. I was able to finally quit cold turkey, and there has not been a day that I have looked back. While at first, it was a more difficult transition, as I had to purify my lifestyle and friend group so that I stayed around safe people and places while really going through the hardest part of the early transition phase. Eventually, sobriety became easier and I was able to enjoy myself again even amidst a drinking audience (like music concerts). Now I don't think twice when I see someone drinking or smell alcohol on their breath. I am able to live my life free from the shackles that used to hold me. 

I am proud of my sobriety from alcohol and of how God has been able to use my story to encourage others who are in the throes of addiction. Praise the Lord for the healing that He is able to provide. 

AUTHOR

God is so good! It's like I have always inadvertently known that, but I am constantly being shown new ways in which He is working on my behalf and bestowing His kindness upon me. 

The Lord created me with the very heart desires that I have so that His glory could shine when He fulfilled those dreams. And now He is fulfilling this towheaded little girl's writing dream who would constantly be creating "books" to share with anyone who would listen to her speak. 

I have co-authored two books now, When Grace Found Me and Mindshift Achievers. With one of them going on to become an International Bestseller. Those projects were fun to participate in, yet I still did not find true satisfaction because I was not the one who went through all the grueling hard work to create the actual book itself.

However, now I am excitedly in the final stages of publishing my first book, Become. It will be available for purchase later next month. Whoohoo! 

This book has been a labor of love and it proved to be my rock during one of the most difficult periods of my adult life. 

Become is as raw and vulnerable as I have ever been. And coming to the acceptance of sharing my story with the world has proved to be a testament to trust that my Father knows better than me. 

Jesus told me that I HAD to share this story, so I have faithfully obeyed His commandment. Through my book, I wear my heart on my sleeve and share parts of myself that I really would have liked to keep hidden away. But I am choosing to be brave and put myself out there. And only God knows where that will take me. 

This is only the start in my author career. There are many other projects that I am currently working on, that I am beyond excited to share with you all. 

ALL IN ALL 

I am overjoyed at the work that the Lord is doing in my life. In every area listed above I still have an immense amount of growing and learning to do. But I excitedly accept that challenge, because I am finally walking out the purposes that the Lord created me for.