Future Blessings

It comes as no surprise to most that I yearn one day to become a Mother.

I have always had this desire embedded within my heart, sewn into the very fabric of my being.

From such a young age, I knew that one day I would treasure raising children of my own. Yes, it would be very scary and full of challenges but I have committed myself to do this blessed thing called Motherhood. Fulfilling this very sacred calling that God has placed on my life.

However, I feel the need to be honest with you.

Today I began to feel hopeless, like maybe I wasn’t really good at anything. That I was a failure, in all aspects. I found my thoughts beginning to spiral, down into a deep hole of negativity and doubt.

This spiraling took me to a place that scared me to my core, that maybe even one day I would fail at being a good Mother.

Refusing to sit still in the stench of my own personal doom, I decided to take some much needed “Me-time” to clear my head.

Heading out of the house, I hopped in the Jeep and picked myself up an iced coffee and parked myself at the nearest park, filled with lush towering Douglas Firs. Trying desperately to center myself back on God and His faithful promises for my life.

I cranked up the worship music, and began to sing (not well might I add) begging the Lord to help my extinguished soul today. For Him to help me remember what is truly important.

For me to be able to recognize and reject the lies that the enemy tries to ensnare me with.

Suddenly, I felt the urge to look up and to my right.

A crew of happy children (4 to be exact) came peddling up on their brightly colored bikes and parked themselves on the bench directly in front of my parked car.

They each had a colorful Starbucks Frappe in their grasp, and a cake pop hanging out of their joyous mouths.

My heart skipped a beat. I have always wanted 4 children. 2 girls and 2 boys, exactly like the beautiful kiddos in front of me.

The children have a mixture of blonde hair (like me) and light brown hair (like Jake). They are very obviously siblings and I have been people watching these precious little babies for the past hour (no creepy inuendos intended).

This treasured sign from God was exactly, and I mean, EXACTLY what I needed.

Earlier today, I was letting the enemy win. I was convinced of the lie that I wasn’t good enough and never would be. This fatal sinful lie has personally hurt me many times before.

But today, instead of allowing myself to wallow in self-doubt, and give in to all of the toxic garbage swirling around my head about myself, I decided to give those fears over to God.

To just blatantly cry out to Him in this car. To give Him all my insecurities and ask Him (beg Him) to help me. To help strengthen me and remind me of all the value that He created me with.

Many might think this is a coincidence, but I know better by now.

God wanted those children to be there for me. He wanted me to see the exact (2 girls and 2 boys) mixture of kiddos that I have prayed fervently for over the years to pop up all smiling and happy in my time of need.

Their glorious laughter and playful banter reminded me that dreams do come true. Heck, I know that for a fact because time and time again that has been a testament in my life.

I mean here I am, sitting in a beautiful park with gigantean trees, realizing that God has granted my deepest hearts desires more times than I can even count.

I am married to a man that I thought only existed in my wildest dreams. He is everything I could have ever wanted and more. And to top it all off, he inspires me to grow closer to God each and every day. Talk about a fairy tale romance, I am so blessed.

I am living in a town that I have felt called to for over half a decade now. In my opinion, the most beautiful part of this entire country! And this splendid place, Portland, Oregon is where I get to now call home.

Wowzers how cool is that?!

AND I am finally in a position where I am able to focus on my writing and where God is going to take me with it. I am no longer living in the world of “what ifs” but I am doing it, one word being typed toward my destiny at a time.

Today started with doubt, worry, anxiety and fear. I started to look at myself with my pessimistic glasses on, undervaluing who I was as a woman of God. A beloved child of my Creator.

But by going to God in my time of need. Not my friends. Not my family. Not even my husband, because believe it or not husbands can’t actually fix everything. I know, spoiler alert.

By going to my Creator today, the one who put all of these talents and dreams inside me. I was able to find solace. I was able to find comfort that no earthly or worldly person/place or thing could provide.

Through my worship music, prayer and 4 kiddo bundle of joy, I was able to be reminded that God loves me. That He created me with certain dreams in my heart for a reason.

Nothing in this world is supposed to be easy, and as a Jesus lover getting used to trials and suffering is kind of part of the gig. But that doesn’t mean that God won’t be faithful to your hearts desires.

I am valuable, faults and all. I do have talents and although I may not be good at everything (or even many things that I wish I was good at) I still have traits that God is using to help spread His love and light.

Instant gratification is not the typical way things in this world should happen. I am working on breaking that toxic way of thinking. Great things take time.

Hard work is the key to success.

The grass isn’t greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it.

One day I will be a Mother. Who knows if it will be to 4 cherished babies, and only God knows what their sexes will be. But I trust God to give me not what I want, but what I need and I will be grateful.

Babies are such blessings. A true gift to be cherished and treasured.

I am human. I will make mistakes in this life. I will even regretfully one day make mistakes as a Mother. But I will always know who my Lord is, I will always follow His plan and path for my life. And because of that, I know (without a doubt in my soul) that no matter what happens in life, I will be alright.

Thank you for that reminder today Lord.